Today, I'm back.
I've been struggling with whether or not I should let you all know what's been going on or just jump back in to normal things. But I guess, since I feel like I'm the kind of person who's pretty open and real in this place, I'd just briefly and gently let you know where I've been.
A few weeks ago, I discovered I was pregnant. I was honestly shocked, but at the same time, we want to have more babes, and you know how quickly you can warm up to the idea–start making plans in your head about who will sleep where, how you'll convince your husband to bring back cable television for the long nights of nursing, how old the baby will be when the baby is born. You know.
But at the same time this pregnancy felt different. I didn't have my usual longing to call up my family and let them know the news. I didn't feel pregnant except for the little white stick in my hand that said so. (Though soon after, I found myself becoming too tired to do the dinner dishes each night.)
However, last week I had a miscarriage.
I'm doing okay. I feel ready to move on. I want to feel some normalcy again, though my body continues to remind me that it's not quite ready.
But today has been better. My best day in awhile.
But you know what? This whole experience has taught me a few things.
First of all, the day the miscarriage began in earnest, I felt flooded with gratitude. Gratitude for my three sweet, healthy, happy children. They are gifts. Gifts that I was taking for granted. I am truly blessed.
Second, there is much to be learned in being still. My children have known where to find me the past several days–tucked under the covers in my bed, under the quilts on a comfortable chair in the living room. They find me, tuck in beside me and talk to me. Secrets. Questions. Stories. And just times of being quiet or napping together. I would have missed these moments if it weren't for all this. And now, I see the importance of being still and available more often.
And above all, I am so grateful for my husband–who knows exactly what to say, what to take care of. Who dropped everything for me, and took care of everything for me. What would I do without him? I can't think of another person I'd rather go through this life with. We've been through our fair share and always come out on the other side better because of it.
On Dan's first day back to work, Mary said to me, "Mommy. Emma and I are going to take such good care of you today. No. We're going to take such good care of you all the way until you're better. Is that nice to say?"
It was perfect, Mary.
Thanks for listening, friends. Looking forward to getting back in the swing of things very soon.