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today

where I've been

Today, I'm back.

I've been struggling with whether or not I should let you all know what's been going on or just jump back in to normal things. But I guess, since I feel like I'm the kind of person who's pretty open and real in this place, I'd just briefly and gently let you know where I've been.

A few weeks ago, I discovered I was pregnant. I was honestly shocked, but at the same time, we want to have more babes, and you know how quickly you can warm up to the idea–start making plans in your head about who will sleep where, how you'll convince your husband to bring back cable television for the long nights of nursing, how old the baby will be when the baby is born. You know.

But at the same time this pregnancy felt different. I didn't have my usual longing to call up my family and let them know the news. I didn't feel pregnant except for the little white stick in my hand that said so. (Though soon after, I found myself becoming too tired to do the dinner dishes each night.)

However, last week I had a miscarriage.

I'm doing okay. I feel ready to move on. I want to feel some normalcy again, though my body continues to remind me that it's not quite ready.

But today has been better. My best day in awhile.

But you know what? This whole experience has taught me a few things.

First of all, the day the miscarriage began in earnest, I felt flooded with gratitude. Gratitude for my three sweet, healthy, happy children. They are gifts. Gifts that I was taking for granted. I am truly blessed.

Second, there is much to be learned in being still. My children have known where to find me the past several days–tucked under the covers in my bed, under the quilts on a comfortable chair in the living room. They find me, tuck in beside me and talk to me. Secrets. Questions. Stories. And just times of being quiet or napping together. I would have missed these moments if it weren't for all this. And now, I see the importance of being still and available more often.

And above all, I am so grateful for my husband–who knows exactly what to say, what to take care of. Who dropped everything for me, and took care of everything for me. What would I do without him? I can't think of another person I'd rather go through this life with. We've been through our fair share and always come out on the other side better because of it.

On Dan's first day back to work, Mary said to me, "Mommy. Emma and I are going to take such good care of you today. No. We're going to take such good care of you all the way until you're better. Is that nice to say?"

It was perfect, Mary.

Thanks for listening, friends. Looking forward to getting back in the swing of things very soon.

where I've been

Today, I'm back.

I've been struggling with whether or not I should let you all know what's been going on or just jump back in to normal things. But I guess, since I feel like I'm the kind of person who's pretty open and real in this place, I'd just briefly and gently let you know where I've been.

A few weeks ago, I discovered I was pregnant. I was honestly shocked, but at the same time, we want to have more babes, and you know how quickly you can warm up to the idea–start making plans in your head about who will sleep where, how you'll convince your husband to bring back cable television for the long nights of nursing, how old the baby will be when the baby is born. You know.

But at the same time this pregnancy felt different. I didn't have my usual longing to call up my family and let them know the news. I didn't feel pregnant except for the little white stick in my hand that said so. (Though soon after, I found myself becoming too tired to do the dinner dishes each night.)

However, last week I had a miscarriage.

I'm doing okay. I feel ready to move on. I want to feel some normalcy again, though my body continues to remind me that it's not quite ready.

But today has been better. My best day in awhile.

But you know what? This whole experience has taught me a few things.

First of all, the day the miscarriage began in earnest, I felt flooded with gratitude. Gratitude for my three sweet, healthy, happy children. They are gifts. Gifts that I was taking for granted. I am truly blessed.

Second, there is much to be learned in being still. My children have known where to find me the past several days–tucked under the covers in my bed, under the quilts on a comfortable chair in the living room. They find me, tuck in beside me and talk to me. Secrets. Questions. Stories. And just times of being quiet or napping together. I would have missed these moments if it weren't for all this. And now, I see the importance of being still and available more often.

And above all, I am so grateful for my husband–who knows exactly what to say, what to take care of. Who dropped everything for me, and took care of everything for me. What would I do without him? I can't think of another person I'd rather go through this life with. We've been through our fair share and always come out on the other side better because of it.

On Dan's first day back to work, Mary said to me, "Mommy. Emma and I are going to take such good care of you today. No. We're going to take such good care of you all the way until you're better. Is that nice to say?"

It was perfect, Mary.

Thanks for listening, friends. Looking forward to getting back in the swing of things very soon.

122 comments on “today”

  1. Molly, I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Your words here never cease to move me and have even moreso today. God bless you and yours. Be well, and stay still as long as you need. Take care of you.

  2. May the force be with you…you know what I mean. You have all the love of your people to help you through this. And thank you so much for finding time in your pain to share such an intimate moment, to give us advise on being still…so important. Thank you.

  3. Molly, I have tears in my eyes– for the sadness of your loss and the sweetness of the care and comfort and nurture your loved ones are giving you. May you be wrapped in that good care, all the way to better.

  4. So sorry for your loss… and praying peace for you. You’ve made quite a lovely, caring family there. Of all the things you’ve made, I hope you appreciate how special that is.

    ps. you really rock those pigtails 🙂

  5. I am so so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. I’m thinking of you.

  6. Oh Molly… I’m so sorry to hear your news. Losing a baby is so hard. Everyone responds to it differently and may or may not feel the impact at different times. I’m grateful you have such a wonderful husband and family to take care of you. God has given you a keen perspective on things, thank you for sharing it.Prayers and hugs,liz

  7. My thoughts and a little prayer for the tiny soul are being sent your way. You are an inspirational mother and when the time is right, I am sure another little one will join you here..

  8. Wishing you comfort…

    I have been there three times and I cannot remember what anyone ever said that made me feel better. I am sorry for your loss, my friend.

  9. Oh Molly. I am so sorry. I’m sending you big warm hugs. Thank you for sharing what you have learned. I’m so glad you are surrounded by your loving family. My thoughts are with you.

  10. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there as well, maybe talking about it in this fashion will help. I was quiet and thought no one would understand. I wish that I had been brave enough to share.

  11. Molly,I’ve never commented before, but I love reading your posts. I’m so sorry for your loss. When I read your post on BabyCenter, for some reason I thought that this was what happened. I don’t know how or why, but that’s what came to my mind. My thoughts are with you.

  12. may the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine on you, and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance on you…and give you peace.

    with all my love,stephanie

  13. I am so glad your family (and your sweet sweet children, that just melts my heart) are taking care of you. I’ve had 3 miscarriages so I have been there. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal. It sounds like you are finding some peace, sending good thoughts your way.

  14. Oh Molly. My heart hurts for you. I had that happen in May, and it’s devastating in a way that I never expected. And you’re right – our children are a gift that is too easily taken for granted. I learned that too. Big hugs for you and your family in this really hard time.

  15. I’ve been missing your lovely posts. I’m so sorry to hear what happened. What you wrote reminds me of the verse – all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. It is wonderful to see what He has done in showing you such blessings in the midst of such a hard experience.

  16. Well, this is a terrible time to delurk, but I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. My thoughts and prayers will be with you, I am glad you are surrounded by love.

  17. I’m right there with you sweets. I had wondered at your quiet.I know I lurk more than I should but I always enjoy being here and I hurt for you.I’m shocked to think that its been almost 16 months since I went through it, it feels like years ago and yesterday. I have two healthy beautiful children and I have had 2 miscarriages and my husband gifted me with the greatest way to feel complete about all of it – he said that we have 2 wonderful girls but we’ll always have our 4 children.

    my heart is with you and your family.

  18. Oh, honey. I’m so so sorry. I know this pain so well. Sending wishes of love and peace and so many more snuggles from that beautiful family of yours.

  19. I’m very sorry for your loss, Molly. Thank you for taking the time to share and encourage the rest of us with your observations during this tough time.

  20. After many months of reading your wonderful blog I need to post. Thank you for sharing your world with us, the good and the bad. I am so sorry for your loss. I too have 3 daughters and I always think if I can send them out into the world with a good heart I have done my job. It sounds like you have done a beautiful job. Take Care.

  21. Molly,

    As my girls would say, iloveyousomuch!

    You have the gift of creating and noticing joy and beauty, something that has helped so many of us, your readers. Thank you, and may it give you comfort.

    xo, Kyrie

  22. As soon As I started reading the blurb in Bloglines I knew what was up.. hugs hugs hugs.. you will start feeling better soon. It’s hard I know, they are always in our hearts no matter how little time we had em!Take care!

  23. Molly,

    I am so sorry for your loss. We went through the same thing this summer – a surprise pregnancy, the same weird feelings of not wanting to talk about it, and the same overwhelming feeling of gratitute for my perfectly healthy and happy boys.It has also been the reason for much reflection and growth: in my marriage and my spiritual life. I’m so thankful that you have a wonderfully loving family to care for you.Blessings,Allison(if you ever want to talk with a perfect stranger about it, feel free to email. I read a great book on loss shortly after that was really helpful.)

  24. Oh Molly, I am so sorry. But you’re right – that family of yours is a wonderful thing.

    Your ability to see the good in the midst of the pain is an amazing thing. Inspirational.

  25. Molly, I am so sorry. I, too, know just how you feel. I had a miscarriage last week. I completely understand those “not quite right” feelings, but I pushed them aside and began to make plans for this new baby anyway. However, I was not really surprised when I found out it was not to be. I know there will be beautiful babies in our future. Take care of yourself, Mama.

  26. Oh, Molly, you are so wise at such a young age. The Lord is at your side, I know it. Rest in Him and the beautiful blessings He has surrounded you with. Can I come bring you dinner or bring my children to play with yours while you rest?

  27. oh molly, i’m sorry to hear this news. motherhood can be such a crazy ride. your family’s closeness and strength at this time sounds comforting. remember when you need to, to perhaps just tune in to the simplicity of the breath – the inhale and exhale. (gets me through many challenging moments) 🙂 hope you can keep getting the rest you need.

  28. Oh all of the words that everyone before me has said. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

    I am praying for you and yours. This baby did so much in it’s short life didn’t it?

  29. Molly;I’m so very sorry for your loss. I pray that you continue to find moments to be still.

    Our daughter, Hazel, was born still earliery this year. I know what you mean about your other 3 children, gratitutude, stillness and peace.

    But losing a baby at whatever stage is just hard.

  30. Oh, friend. I wish I could zoom over with some suppers for your family and some hand-knit socks for your precious feet. I am so sorry. Prayers for peace for you and yours. xo

  31. Molly…I have so recently walked this path too. How my heart goes out to you in this time- I pray that peace accompanies your way. Wish I could ‘pop through the hedge’ and give you a hug and a hot cup of tea, but it seems your kids have got that down pat. Sending prayers, hugs, and love across the miles and up to heaven to the wee one…

    ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

  32. de-lurking to send you my very best wishes. . . I can’t imagine losing a pregnancy, but have been around (sadly) quite a few friends lately that have had just that experience. Take good care of yourself.

  33. I’m can’t imagine your feelings of loss. I’m so sorry. God has truly blessed you with an incredible husband and sweet little ones to help you up again…such love. May God continue to fill you with His peace. Feel better soon.

  34. Thanks for being real. Of course we want to know what’s going on with you. Take good care of yourself, I’m so glad Dan could take off of work so you can recover and be still, learning all the lessons you did :). The Lord is our portion, and it sounds like even though your portion this past week was a bit difficult, you felt His presence and His strength. Awesome.

  35. I haven’t commented before either, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I was to hear your news. It’s so hard. Your girlies will be such a comfort. Take care.

  36. Molly,I’m sorry for your loss. It takes a little darkness for us to see the stars and whole lifetime to reach them. Our thoughts and prayers are with you every step of the way. Thanks for being open and sharing with us…

    Your friend/fan,

    Jessica

  37. molly, so sorry for what you’ve lost…but so thankful that you’re able to reflect on all that you do have. i’ll be praying for you as you continue heal.

  38. praying for continued comfort from your family and the true comforter-God.I felt like I was reading my story from April of this year, same feelings and emotions and my 3 are the same ages too! take care…

  39. I too am so sorry for your loss. I too feel your sorrow, have felt that pain. My prayer for you is peace in your heart, and continued love and joy from your family.

  40. Just take it one day at a time wihout pressure and no expectations. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. I too understand about the loss and the healing takes time. Enjoy your family and delight in them!

  41. Isn’t it so amazing how close you can feel to someone from reading their blog every day. I had tears streaming reading this post; tears of joy at first, then sadness, and then total admiration for how you have dealt with all this. You have a great wall of love and positive energy coming to you from out here in cyber space from all of us who love to share in your life. This was such a brave thing to share, but know that we all are glad that you did. And count those blessings; that wonderful family surrounding you and supporting you. Love from me.

  42. I’m sorry. I understand that in such a loss there are gifts and messages to be learned, if only we accept them. Sounds like you’ve accepted them beautifully. Peace to you.

  43. I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs thru the internet. “Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted.” Praying you will be comforted by the Most High Comforter.

  44. emmylou’s “wrecking ball” album was a good listen for me when i miscarried.

    i always hate this kind of news. losing a child was a lightning strike to the ground in front of us, it seemed.

    as much as an anonymous friend can send love, i’m sending it.

  45. Molly, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain of an empty womb. And yet your life is so full of goodness and joy. You are blessed even in the midst of this suffering. You are not alone.

  46. Oh, Molly. I’m sorry I’m just reading this now.

    It’s hard to find the right words. Except that I know this grief. So many mothers have been through this and it still feels kind of hard to talk about it … it can be so isolating. And we question ourselves. And it’s so hard.

    I wish I could be there tomorrow with some food to share and some kids to run around with yours and a shoulder for you to lean on. I would be if I could. Thank you for your support during my own tough situation … please know that I’m here for you now.

    xo, Grace

  47. I am thinking of you and praying for your family. I had a miscarriage between my two children and was just heartbroken. I had the same urge though to tell no one and never felt like things were completely right. It is amazing how you are in tune with your body like that. I will be praying for you!

    ((hugs))

  48. Molly, I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I don’t know if you knew, but Jeremy and I went through that last year. It is such a heartbreaking experience. I was shocked to find out how many of my friends had gone through the same thing because at the time I felt so alone. I’m glad to hear the girls and Dan took such good care of you.-Sonja Heiser

  49. Molly, I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. It breaks my heart, but I’m glad you are dealing with everything well. Unfortunately, on Sept 16, I had a miscarriage, too–I had no idea how common it is! I was 12 weeks along and had felt strangely “unpregnant” as well. It has been so hard on our family. John had wanted a baby for years and I just couldn’t bring myself to that point. Finally, earlier in the year, I felt God was changing my heart and I started wanting another baby, too. It was such a shock to miscarry. You think your other pregnancies have been healthy and you take it for granted that they all will be. My husband actually wrote about the whole thing on my blog, if you want to read. It’s a tear jerker 😉 The hardest thing for me has been not knowing if we had a boy or a girl. So hard. I wish you and your family the best! xo,debra

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